Big Changes

I haven’t blogged much since OSCON. Not because things haven’t been happening or haven’t been interesting, but because sometimes it’s hard to find the motivation or impetus to write about things.

Last Friday, August 13, was my last day at Canterbury . It was strange, much more so than I anticipated. I’ve been balancing Canterbury and CC since the beginning of July, and yet it was so strange to walk out for what felt like surely the last time. I’ve already been awarded a contract to implement a content management system for them, but it’s not the same: in so many ways, I grew up there. Twice. First when I attended high school there, and graduated thinking I could take on the world. And again when they offered me a job, after I’d found out how tough an opponent the world could be. They provided me with an environment where I could explore new ideas and new paths. I have a feeling that Canterbury’s rather unique in this regard: not only did they provide an environment for me to grow professionally, where they essentially subsidized my education (formally and informally), but I was also able to grow personally. Between the diverse faculty and the flexible schedule that accomdated my psychotherapy, I was richly rewarded. So leaving seemed, well, scary.

I’ve spent the week adjusting to working from home full time. I’m getting tired of hearing how lucky I must be. It is nice, in many ways. But it’s also incredibly boring sometimes, when there’s no one to hear my stupid jokes or to commiserate with. I think I’m actually looking forward to the start of classes next week; maybe I’m just not cut out for simplicity, maybe I’m happiest when my plate is overflowing.

As it stands I’m sitting here listening to Bruce Hornsby, reliving memories from my time in West Lafayette, half a dozen years ago. I’m facing off again with my perpetual rival, depression. Just when I thought it might be time to stop taking meds. I’m incredibly jealous of everyone who lives in a loft apartment with a view, or in any city, or even just near friends. The Indiana rain outside my window matches my mood, and the dogs are sleeping peacefully at my feet, so I guess I have something to be thankful for.

A resolution, then: this semester, I’ll do something that scares me every week. Lately it seems that things that scare me are also the things that make me grow the most. And god knows, I still need to grow.